The Emperor's New Clothes

At least a few times a week, I wish I had a police badge, a fashion police badge; "I'm sorry, I'm going to have to give you a citation. Your blazer and your purse and your shoes are all three different shades of green. It doesn't look good. You look like three different species of lizards combined into one body and it's confusing the public. We can't just have you go around wearing whatever you want confusing people all the time. It's visual harassment."

"Excuse me, ma'am, why did you shave off your eyebrows and draw new ones in place of them? Did you not realize they were there to begin with?" It's disturbing to see someone who looks "jarring" and compositionally incorrect. Most people have enough to worry about without having to add why the woman across from them on the bus looks like Sephora vomited all of its surplus on her face. It isn't fair that everyone else has to suffer someone's bad fashion sense. Bad fashion is rude. Have you ever walked by someone and said, "WHAT is he wearing?" These people take something and wear it in a way that is so wrong we can't even identify if they are wearing pants or a stuffed animal. Then they make up names to try and get away with it, like "skort." Uh, that's not a skort just because it's neither a skirt nor shorts. Who the fuck knows what it is? Can something we identify by calling it the combination of two things it is not even be considered clothing?

Imagine asking somebody, "Why are you wearing a skort?" What reasonable answer could anyone give for wearing a skort?

"Well, I couldn't decide if I wanted the sporty comfort of shorts or the classy, casual feeling of a skirt, so I said, HEY! I'll put on my skort! Then I get the best of both worlds!"

Skorts are like the mullet of clothing. Somewhere somebody thought it made sense and nobody had the balls to go, "uh, that shit's lame."

Sporks - cool. Skorts - pathetic.

And what is with clear bra straps? Are you trying to fool me? Because I'm pretty sure everyone can still tell you're wearing a bra.

And I am tired, exhausted even, of suffering from Lady Gaga's bad fashion sense. How come no one noticed that she looks like a three year old who went through her mother's makeup and decided to wear bed sheets as a dress over her bathing suit in the middle of winter and paste feathers to her face, while she's still in her playpen? It's not hot. It's not cool. It's fucking retarded and it hurts my eyes.