When I Am Sad...

I think of pink dolphins.

Conversations With My Mother.

"Huh. I just realized I don't like chicken anymore. It kind of taste like boogers to me."

"That's it. Liz, I'm done with you. Leave the kitchen."

My New OKCupid Profile!

My self-summary:

If I'm functioning I'm not an alcoholic.

What I’m doing with my life:

Burning those bridges, again and again.

I’m really good at:

Eating cheese.

The first things people usually notice about me:

The dead baby in my arms.

My favorite books, movies, music, and food:

I can't read. I'm blind, deaf and long ago some bitch cut out my tongue and made me live under her stairs with all these other freaky people. So like, I don't care about food anymore.

The six things I could never do without:

My real dolls. Ironically I have six, including the hermaphrodite.

I spend a lot of time thinking about:

How much fun it would be to do a lot of cocaine and go on a slip and slide!

On a typical Friday night I am:

Burying the bodies or hula hooping.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit:

I can't hula hoop.

You should message me if:

You're a fan of cropdusting in public places.

I Am The Wolf, And Also Drunk... ish.

I'm pretty sure there is an anti-establishment gene, also known as the "fuck you" gene. I'm pretty sure I was born with it. I'm pretty sure it might be ruining my life. But the almost normal girl in the terrible shade of purple on the train, who tried to dress nicely for a night out on the town, is wasted across from me on a Saturday night, and I think, "She has a better job than me, she has weekends off, and nice shoes, with a mediocre sense of fashion." And I am so glad I am not her, even if I'm screaming fuck you to the world like a wolf howls reasonless at the moon.

He Never Messaged Me Back!

Dan: hi how are you, ..you seem really interesting and I think we have a good deal in common, I would love to learn more if you have the time ; )

-Dan

Me: I'm not interesting. I'm a fucking freak.

Dan: charming...so how has your week been freak? and what makes you so freakish/ other worldly that I havn't seen in someone before?

Me: I have a tentacle coming out of my butt.

OKCupid Thread: Not My Soulmate

Random Guy: I love cheese so when i see ur good at eating cheese i am like me toooooo

Me: oh yeah? What kind of cheese
I bet I'm like, way better than you at eating it.
I mean you're so young there is no way you have as much experience as me

Random Guy: ne kind i have a birthmark of a mouse
yea its that serious
it has an eye and a tail

Me: bullshit

Random Guy: so i am sorry i am not in ur requirements but u seem cool
i swear
i will show u if ur cool enough to chill with

Me: I'm too cool
sorry

Random Guy: no bigger
so what do u do for fun
lol

Me: I eat cheese
duh
sometimes I cut it too

Random Guy: so would u mind getting to know me besides for my cheese obsession

Me: you don't have a cheese obsession
I do
and you copied me

Random Guy: well regardless i do like ur sarcasm and ur cute
so lets get past the cheese lol

Me: it's not what I really look like
do you like Jesus?

Random Guy: nope
not a jesus freak lol

Me: what about the father?
or the holy ghost?

Random Guy: idk our father
ghost- dude in a sheet not a big fan

Me: I'm VERY Jesusy
I can say the whole our father
ready... our father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name
thy kingdom come
thy will be done

Random Guy: ALRIGHT

Me: on earth as it is in heaven

Random Guy: so what are you lookin for on here

Me: give us this day our daily bread
LOVE
I'm looking for love
isn't everyone?
isn't that why okcupid is so great?

Random Guy: well whats ur perfect date

Me: my perfect date... first of all
he'd have to be at least five hundred pounds, cuz like
I'm really fucking fat
and really hairy, cuz I am one of those chicks that has a mustache
I used to wax it
but I got really tired of doing that
so I just let it be
Are you really fat and hairy?

Random Guy: neither

Me: well then you're definitely not my soul mate

Random Guy: awe shucks

Me: so like, on that note, I'm gonna have to let you go

Random Guy: now my day is ruined ohhhhhhhhh no whatever will i do now

Me: you are like, way too weird for me anyway

Random Thoughts at 1:35AM on a Friday Night. P.S. I'm Sober. Seriously.

I have ice trays, but I never make ice. So when I get thirsty, about once every two weeks, I take a glass of water and put it in my freezer and I leave it there until it gets cold. Regardless, I like it because it makes me feel like I have something in the oven, except that I'm doing the opposite and it's less messy than preparing a meal. So if someone asks me what I'm doing, I can say "I'm cooling!" and magically feel productive. I mean really, it's only one letter off from cooking!

I can't figure out if this makes me a genius, or just really lazy.

When I look down, I realize it doesn't matter, because I have sea turtle slippers. And that's awesome.

If you keep reading, I'll tell you why it's awesome.

It's awesome because everywhere I walk, I feel like I'm cruising the ocean surface with sea turtles as my water skis. I'm pretty sure this is the closest I will ever get to fulfilling my lifelong dream of becoming a mermaid.