Don't Eat That! It's A Conspiracy!

Dear hippies and yuppies who can afford the cost of anal retentive fear (in high demand these days in a city like Cambridge),

I really don't care if you think spending too much time on the computer will worsen your eyesight (DUH) or if you think eating any non-organic food will shorten your life. First of all, the healthiest, most pro-active thing you can do is exercise. And do you do that? EVER? No. And to those of you who do, you go to the gym for what, twenty minutes a week? And why? So you can get to work afterwards and go "Yep, I got up early to hit the gym, man I feel great!" in attempt to make the even fatter slobbier guy envy you and say, "Oh yeah, I really have to get to the gym too, SIGH." Everyone can tell that you're still either a scrawny little shit, or overweight. Seriously, do you still think that writing on your hand with ballpoint pen will make your kids (God forbid you ever have any) retarded? Because when your kids come out retarded, and they will, it's genetics, not because you joined the Pen15 club when you were ten.

Billboard advertisements make you cringe, because you're weak-willed enough to know that the second you look at them you become a subversively victimized by their malicious mind control, all the while you flip through AdBusters, a publication that you don't even realize has reached full circle in the rebel, then rise to power and become king, schema. You know why? Because you're a cliche. Because you've read a bunch of bullshit on the internet that said things were bad for you and were scared into believing them. I'm pretty sure tripping on acid is a lot less healthy for you than handling a plastic bottle that releases toxic fumes which rise through the hole in the ozone layer and travel up to special aliens made of fire that live on the sun, angering them so much that they will descend upon you in your sleep and cause you to spontaneously combust. But you don't have a problem doing acid, do you? No, that's much healthier than eating Kraft Mac and Cheese, which according to some site somewhere on the world wide web, it was recently discovered that in every box little microscopic intelligent, bug-like people are planning to conquer your body so they can feast upon your soul.

Here's a newsflash for you: Living is TOXIC, and orange soda rocks. So if you can't accept those two things, then move to the mountains and become a goat.

Seriously,
Liz

P.S. Deodorant might eventually kill you because the chemicals in it are developing sentience and might revolt and start deteriorating your skin until you look like the dude from the mattress in Hellraiser, but the effects of social suicide are worse.